Since Sweetie has a lot more to say on a daily basis than I do, she started her own Facebook page. I told her that’s where she can record her very pressing status updates. So far she’s mostly posted a lot of selfies and complained about the cats and her Halloween costume.
Early last Saturday morning, Sweetie’s favorite cat, Bob, decided to swallow a needle. It was very…exciting.
Deeply affected by the incident, Sweetie wrote on her Facebook page: So my favorite cat, Bob, swallowed a sewing needle while Mom was making our Halloween costumes. What a dork. He keeps telling us he visited India this weekend, so I’ve had to remind him, “You were at the animal ER, dude. They gave you stuff.” Check out his porky, needle-afflicted X-ray. (Don’t tell him I posted it, though.)
Once Bob returned home from his thrilling stay at the animal ER, he was disheartened to learn that Clover had left a negative Google review for the facility after her discharge. (You might recall Clover suffered from liver failure in August.) In the comment section of Sweetie’s latest post, I was surprised to learn that Bob had added his own review. I’m sure Clover is somewhat miffed.
Four out of Five Stars
For the past month, all we’ve been hearing from Clover is “liver failure this” and “liver failure that” and “well, when I was in the Denton County Animal ER…” She thinks she’s real special now, and the rest of us are getting super annoyed by that shiz. Totally started tuning her out. There’s only so much I wanna hear about why she has a private room now and her stupid diet plan that’s “better than what the people eat.” Never seen a cat so far up the inside of a human’s ass. Just revolting, really. She’s been acting like a princess even though we all know she’s not sick anymore.
Last Friday night, I was watching Kristan sew the elastic on a blue wig for Sweetie’s Katy Perry Halloween costume when I realized how easy it would be to steal a needle. The plan was to just kinda hold it in my mouth and run off and hide it and then pretend I was dying or something so that Kristan would lose her mind and take me to the ER. After all, Clover had gone on and on ad nauseam about the crazy drugs she took there and all the food they shoved down her and whatnot. Sounded like Fantasy Island to me. Plus, I figured that if I went up there, too, Clover’s liver failure story would turn into old news since swallowing a needle is more dramatic than slowly starving yourself to near-death. Anyway, Kristan grabbed me, looked in my mouth, and the thing went down my throat. Totally not the plan. I wasn’t going to hide it IN my stomach. Great. Making matters worse, she flipped out, and Russell had to drive me to the ER instead. Read as: Everybody got the “just the facts” version of events rather than the over-the-top retelling that Kristan would have surely done. Aaaand there was a needle in my stomach.
You may have noticed I gave only four stars instead of the full five. I had to deduct a star because someone in the ER tried my stick something in my butt. I’m not that kind of cat. Some cats may be down with that, and, hey, that’s cool, but I’d rather be asked first. Just a little courtesy. I would have probably only deducted half a star, but I heard them telling Kristan how I didn’t like the butt poke, and I’m sure she told Clover all about that when she got home. I feel we could have kept it between us, really. But whatever. So: half a star for the butt thing and half a star for the overshare.
I also didn’t like waking up from a REALLY awesome trip to discover my stomach had been sewn up. Did the needle do that? Were my kidneys stolen? (I just watched Tourista with Kristan a week ago, so this part has freaked me out a little.) Everything seems fine so far, so I’m guessing I wasn’t victimized by organ pirates. I deducted a full star for this. Some cats might have deducted five, so I’m showing leniency here.
The drugs…I’m giving an additional star for the drugs, which is how I arrived at four stars. I came from the streets, so I have been around good stuff before. Nothing comes close. These drugs are AMAZING. They could have separated my head from my body, and I wouldn’t have minded. I think I went to India? Did I go to India? Wait, no. I was at the ER. Right? I can’t tell what was real and what wasn’t. That’s what I’m talking about. I highly recommend the drug buffet at DCAER. You’ve got to swallow a needle and possibly lose an organ to get it, but I say go for it. Truly, the best weekend I’ve had in a long time.
And Clover can shove it with her stupid liver failure trick. I’m in her room now with fancy-assed food of my own. This is living. Already planning on how I’m going to get back to the ER. Thinking about eating a sock next. Or a steak knife. Haven’t decided.
Mr. Bob Dobalina
As you can clearly see, Sweetie’s Facebook page is more exciting than my blog. I’m also slightly alarmed by my animals’ hyperactive internet presence.
If you’d like to hang out with Sweetie and her drug-seeking, hypochondriac cat pack on Facebook, go for it.
And for the record, the ER deserves five stars on Google from both of those loser cats because the staff has saved at least four lives between the two of them alone. Pfft.